P.E.P (People Encouraging People)
"Encouragement is like resuscitation.
Sometimes we just need to be reminded to breathe." (jgr)
"Encourage one another daily..." Hebrews 3:13 NASB
Do textbooks today purposefully miss the real story of Thanksgiving?
In most history books and textbooks we read that the story of Thanksgiving was due to a great harvest and even because the Indians helped. While this may be true, the real story of Thanksgiving leaves out the 'Why?'
Why did they have such a great harvest?
To miss asking this question, and to miss hearing the real reason, is to miss one of the greatest lessons of all.
The contract the pilgrims on the Mayflower were under required them to share equally in the harvest of the crops and to hold all land as "communal property." Since no one was personally responsible for the land, but everyone shared equally in the harvest, laziness set in.
"What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun." Ecclesiastes 1:9
When we fail to learn, teach and appreciate history, we tend to repeat it. When we fail to heed the warnings of the repeated failures of "communal living," Marxism, Communism, or whatever -ism you call it, where outcomes are "guaranteed" without regard to who actually does the work while eliminating all genuine positive incentives, history will repeat itself.
How Sadie Robertson Handles Fame and Stays Grounded in God
By Rachal Marquez
In an interview with the Christian Post, Sadie Robertson, the daughter of Duck Dynasty couple Willie and Korie Robertson, discussed how she has managed to not get caught up in the problems and temptations that so often plague the lives of celebrities, especially teenagers, and how she plans to continue to live above those troubles.
“I think the key to that is recognizing that it’s not all about me, it’s truly not. God gave me this, and this is all about God,” Robertson told The Christian Post in an interview.
She continued to say that if she had come into fame thinking that it was for her, things would have been far more challenging, and she would have “gotten lost in it all.” She emphasized the importance of instead coming into it with the view that all of it, fame and attention included, are not for her but for God.
Sadie and the entire Robertson family are the stars of A&E’s hit reality show, Duck Dynasty. The show has just recently finished its eighth season, with the season finale pulling in 3.26 million viewers.
Robertson said her family has been instrumental in helping her navigate an environment as difficult as the world of fame.
“Whenever you try to be someone that you’re not, that’s really hard. You can get really confused and honestly, it’s so crazy. So I’m thankful that I had a family that showed me that before I had to deal with it,” she said.
Beyond just her family, however, Robertson says she has relied on God above all to help guide her. In addition to her family’s reality show, she is currently working with evening wear designer Sherri Hill. Together, they have created the Sadie Robertson Live Original line of prom dresses. Robertson modeled during New York Fashion Week in 2013 and is now the face for Wild Blue Denim.
She also starred in the 2014 season of Dancing with the Stars. The 18-year-old has even done motivational speaking and has written her own book, titled Live Original: How the Duck Commander Teen Keeps It Real and Stays True to Her Values.
Robertson also hosted the recent 46th annual Dove awards, which aired Oct. 13.
As incredible as all of her achievements are, especially for someone so young, Robertson is quick to explain that she could not have planned it on her own, but rather owes all her success to God.
“I used to plan what my life would look like, then I realized God will take you to so many bigger places than you can ever imagine. So why try to plan? My plan, although it may have been a good plan, it wasn’t as good as the plan that God had for me. I would have never imagined I would be at the places I am today or done things that I’ve done today.”
Robertson is set to appear in two upcoming movies, God’s Not Dead 2 and I’m Not Ashamed.
“When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive; to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.” ~ Marcus Aurelius
You don’t have to be a morning person to benefit from morning rituals. Most people hit snooze, roll out of bed and into some clothes while plunging into their day without a plan.
You, however, can choose to approach your day mindfully. Being mindful will increase the odds that you will feel good, be more productive and end up happier when it’s all over.
Here are ten things you should do every morning before 10:00 am to stack the deck in your favor.
Meditating or even some simple breathing can help you begin your day with a sense of calm. Instead of reaching for your phone or checking email first thing in the morning, take just a few minutes to sit and experience the quiet.
There is plenty of activity during our day, make a commitment to start on a quieter note. It will set the tone for your day and will help increase your focus, energy, and optimism.
Reflect in Gratitude
“If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, ‘thank you,’ that would suffice.” – Meister Eckhart
Start your day by reflecting on what you are grateful for. A consistent practice of gratitude in the mornings will increase your awareness of gratitude throughout your day. It will also make you more resilient when challenges occur and help you put drama in perspective.
Set Your Daily Intention
In the quiet of the day, before the fires need putting out, plan your day by focusing on three goals you want to accomplish.
Make those goals a priority for the day. When you set about planning your day with intention, you are more likely to feel productive at the end of it.
Pad Your Schedule
As you go about setting your daily intentions, pad your schedule to allow yourself to tend to fires as they arise. Padding your schedule with free time will give you a better chance of achieving your goals and may even add some downtime throughout the day.
Hydrate
Your body awakens dehydrated, so it is very important to drink up first thing in the morning. In her book, The Body Ecology Diet, Donna Gates suggests you drink half of your entire daily water intake by mid-morning. It will flush your system of toxins, leave you feeling less hungry and reduce headaches throughout the day.
Stretch
You will be hard-pressed to find anyone who doesn’t wake up feeling a bit stiff. It isn’t always easy to incorporate exercise into a morning routine. If you were going to choose one thing, the American Journal of Sports Medicine suggests adding a short muscle-stretching sequence of exercises to your morning schedule.
Studies show that consistent stretching in the morning can increase flexibility, improve circulation, reduce stress throughout your day and improve posture.
Listen to Music
Starting your day with upbeat and fun music will not only wake you up but it will fill you with positive energy for your day.
A 2013 study found that music makes you feel good. According to study participants, the two most important benefits of listening to music are “mood regulation” and “self-awareness.”
Not only has it been shown to improve your mood but it can end up increasing motivation, performance, and lead to a better night’s sleep too.
Smile
Start your day off by smiling at yourself in the bathroom mirror. Smiling will have a positive effect on your overall attitude and well-being, even when it starts out a little forced. Smiling makes you more approachable, and appear more trustworthy. In fact, The University of Montpellier discovered that smiling will also make you a more effective leader.
Clean Up After Yourself
Life is busy and morning routines can be a bit rushed. It can be very tempting when you are running behind to leave your clothes on the floor, dishes in the sink or leave the trash until later. Just do put them away!
Procrastination around cleaning up after yourself can prevent you from realizing our highest potential and best work. It also allows you to relax fully upon returning home. It is better to pro-actively clean up after yourself than waiting to be called out on it.
Do Your Hardest Task First
It might seem enticing to get a bunch of easy things checked off your to-do list, but it has been shown time and time again that doing your hardest task first leads to a more productive and happier day. You are more likely to remember the day as being a good one when your day gets better and is easier over time. The bonus: it helps stop procrastination over the things we like to do the least.
Join in the discussion: What morning habits do you practice daily? Share your tips in the conversation below!
NFL player Benjamin Watson using Facebook, media opportunities to share God’s truth.
BY CHARLES CHANDLER
The preacher’s son with the Super Bowl ring never expected to become a national spokesman for Christian values via social media, especially since he wasn’t even sure how to use Facebook. But two posts in recent months on key issues of our time—the nation’s racial divide and the brutal killings of Christians around the world by ISIS—have catapulted New Orleans Saints tight end Benjamin Watson onto the national media stage and made him a respected voice of reason in a culture desperately in need of truth-tellers.
THERE IS SOMETHING about this guy that God is using to bless souls,” one of his Facebook followers wrote in a recent comment.
Watson’s status as an 11-year NFL veteran who has caught touchdown passes from future Hall of Fame quarterbacks Tom Brady and Drew Brees gave him the platform upon which he’s now capitalizing. He has shared the Gospel and stood for biblical values on cable network news programs, on nationally syndicated radio shows and in various print and Internet outlets. He also has been the featured speaker at Liberty University’s student convocation and at the annual Super Bowl breakfast sponsored by Athletes In Action.
“It’s been confirmation to me that [God] … can use whatever avenue He wants to glorify His name,” Watson told Decision. “It’s very humbling … I just want to be faithful to the opportunities that He’s given me.”
It all began in late November in New Orleans the day after the Saints had lost to the Baltimore Ravens. Filled with mixed emotions after a grand jury in Ferguson, Mo., announced it would not indict police officer Darren Wilson in the shooting death of 18-year-old Michael Brown, Watson wrote his thoughts on his smartphone and asked a friend to post them on Facebook.
The post went viral, accumulating more than 800,000 likes and more than 400,000 shares. Watson expressed a reasoned view of the situation and gave a biblical solution to reconciliation.
“I’m encouraged because ultimately the problem is not a skin problem; it is a sin problem,” he wrote. “Sin is the reason we rebel against authority. Sin is the reason we abuse our authority. Sin is the reason we are racist, prejudiced and lie to cover up our own. Sin is the reason we riot, loot and burn.
“But I’m encouraged because God has provided a solution for sin through His Son, Jesus, and, with it, a transformed heart and mind. … I’m encouraged because the Gospel gives mankind hope.”
Public reaction was overwhelmingly positive. CNN invited him for an on-air interview. When the satellite signal cut out after several minutes, just as he was sharing the Gospel, some wondered if the network was censoring his message. Watson was assured that wasn’t the case and that the interview had merely timed out. He handled the matter graciously, taking CNN officials at their word. The network later named him one of the 11 most extraordinary people of 2014.
Watson spoke out again in a Feb. 28 Facebook post about the persecution of Christians around the world, lamenting the ongoing beheadings of believers while noting that Jesus said we should not deny Him even if it costs us our lives. He said we must pray for those being persecuted and warned that similar attacks are headed to the West.
“Rest assured, fellow Americans, if it hasn’t already, our day will come,” Watson wrote. “We must wake up from our slumber, be on guard and stand firm. … We must remember that as terrible as things are and will become, they are simply signs pointing to one thing: His imminent return.”
Watson and his wife, Kirsten, are teaching their children—they have four between the ages of 2 and 6 and a fifth on the way—about the importance of holding nothing back from Christ. They’ve made the children aware of the family’s financial support for persecuted believers through Open Doors and Voice of the Martyrs.
“It’s about instilling in them a global awareness of what’s going on,” he said. Watson grew up in a devoted Christian home and was led to the Lord at about age 6 by his father, Ken, who now pastors Rock Hill Bible Fellowship Church in Rock Hill, S.C.
Benjamin excelled athletically and academically at Northwestern High School, helping the football team to a state championship and getting named the school’s student of the year. At the University of Georgia, he was a standout tight end and set a team strength record by bench-pressing 565 pounds.
His intellect shone at the NFL’s pre-draft scouting combine, where he recorded the third-highest score any prospect had ever had there on the Wonderlic cognitive ability test (48 out of a possible 50).
The New England Patriots selected him in the first round (32nd) of the 2004 NFL draft, but he missed most of his rookie season due to a knee injury, including the Patriots’ 24-21 win over Philadelphia in Super Bowl XXXIX.
Watson’s disappointment over not playing in the championship game eventually was tempered by the fact that having a Super Bowl ring from that season gave him a powerful means for sharing the Gospel.
“I didn’t want to wear it at first because I felt like I didn’t do anything to deserve it,” he said. “But, as time went by, I started to experience grace in my professional life as well as my personal life.
“It kind of clicked that even though I didn’t do anything [to earn it], I was still a Super Bowl champion because of what my teammates did. The parallel was just obvious between that and the way that Christ died for us, giving [those who repent of their sins and believe in Him] a right standing before God.”
Of all the plays Watson has made during his NFL career with the Patriots, Cleveland Browns and Saints,it’s a tackle—not a pass reception—for which he is most famous.
In New England’s January 2006 playoff game against Denver, he sprinted the length of the field to prevent a touchdown after Broncos’ cornerback Champ Bailey intercepted a Tom Brady pass in the opposite end zone. Bailey raced 103 yards with the interception down the left sideline before Watson somehow managed to knock him out of bounds 1 yard shy of the goal line.
Watson’s determination on the play exemplified one of his favorite Bible verses: “Whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men” (Colossians 3:23, NKJV).
Ken Watson sometimes uses his son’s extra-effort tackle in sermon illustrations.
“It was an athletic play because God gifted him with speed, but it took more than speed,” Ken says. “It took something on the inside, saying, ‘I’m going to do something about this.’
“He ran when no one expected him to run. When you watch the clip, other players tried and failed to make the tackle. He saw that, but he didn’t give up. As Christians, we can’t let the failure of other people keep us from pursuing the goal. We have to say, ‘I’m going to give it my all.’ I must’ve seen that play 100 times or more, and it al- ways impacts me in my own spiritual walk. It causes me to ask myself, ‘Am I really selling out? Am I really giving 100 percent?’”
Benjamin knows his playing days are nearing an end. At 34, he’s the third-oldest player on the Saints team. After football, he hopes to have a career in broadcasting and writing, something he’s gained valuable experience doing in recent months.
It’s as though God has been preparing him for something much bigger.
“I feel that I will always share my faith,” he said. “I will speak out on different issues when given the opportunity, whether that’s in a church setting or at a university or in writing. As a believer, it’s my calling all the time to share the Good News.”
13 Things to Remember If You Love A Person With Anxiety
Anxiety is tough, isn’t it? Not just for the people that have it, but for you – the people that stick with them – while they’re going through it. It’s emotionally taxing on both ends, it’s physically demanding at times, and of course mentally demanding most of the time.
Plans have to be changed to accommodate the anxiety. Situations have to be avoided at times. Planning has to be just that bit more thorough. Emotional needs can change daily. It’s a lot to work through, and it can be hard to get in their head to understand on top of that.
It’s understandably confusing at times, so consider this your cheat sheet. 13 things for you to remember when loving someone with anxiety.
1. They are more than just their anxiety
No one likes to be defined by one attribute of themselves. If you truly want to be supportive of someone with anxiety, remind them that you appreciate the individual behind the anxiety. Recognise that they are more than just their anxiety.
It sounds like it would be common sense to do so, we don’t go around seeing people by one solitary attribute in most cases, but people have a tendency to become blind-sighted by mental health issues. They are still a human being with all the complexities that everyone else has. Please, remember that.
2. They can get tired easily
Anxiety is exhausting. It seems like the only people that understand how tiring it really can be is people with anxiety themselves. Anxiety causes people to live in hyper-tense states. They are always on alert, their mind is very rarely settled, and their body is always ready to fight or flight. With the hypertension comes fatigue. Situations that people without anxiety can just breeze through are more tiring for those with anxiety.
Ever had a stressful work week, where every day you woke up thinking “wow, I really hope I get a break soon”? That’s an anxious person’s every day, and it’s tiring. Remember that next time you’re pushing someone with anxiety to be more ‘productive.’
3. They can get overwhelmed easily
Tying into the previously noted hyper-tense state, they’re also overwhelmed easily because of it. They’re aware of everything going on around them. Every noise, every action, every smell, every light, every person, every object. For someone existing in such a hyper-alert state a situation that doesn’t seem that overwhelming (e.g. the thought of more than a handful of people talking in a room) can cause their head to spin. You can read more about that here.
When trying to encourage someone with anxiety to go somewhere, just keep in mind that the stimuli you enjoy can just as easily be overwhelming for them. Try not to lock them into the situation. Ensure they know they can leave and are capable of doing so at any point.
4. They are well aware their anxiety is often irrational
Being aware of the irrationality does not stop the thoughts from racing. It does not stop the thinking of hundreds of different worst-case scenarios. If it was as easy as saying “okay, that’s irrational – no point worrying about it,” the majority of those living with anxiety would not have problems with it anymore.
One of the worst things about anxiety is how aware of the irrationality they can be. Pointing out that it’s irrational doesn’t help – they already know this. What they need is compassion, understanding, and support – very rarely do they need advice on how irrational and pointless their anxiety it (because that’s not even advice.) You can learn more about that here.
5. They can communicate how they feel (you just have to actually listen)
Having anxiety does not mean that they are incapable of expressing or communicating. (Unless they’re panicking, in which case they likely can’t. Don’t try to get them to either!) They still like to talk and they still like to speak for themselves. They will tell you how they feel.
Often when people think someone with anxiety, or really any problem whatsoever, can’t or won’t communicate – it’s because they’re choosing not to, and it’s usually because the other party has been entirely dismissive the last time they opened up. So next time when you think they’re incapable of speaking for themselves, bite your tongue and give them the opportunity to actually speak. Then take the time to listen.
6. They don’t need someone constantly asking “are you okay?” while they’re panicking
When you see someone panicking and you know they have anxiety, do you really need to ask “are you okay?”
You already know the answer. Their heart is pounding a million miles an hour, their hands are clamming up, their chest is tightening, their limbs are vibrating from all the adrenalin and their mind has just sunken into the limbic system’s ‘fight or flight’ response. Honestly? Part of them probably thinks they’re dying. So instead of asking “are you okay?” try something a little more helpful and constructive. Good examples would be:
“Remember your breathing”
“Remember <insert whatever technique that has helped them before>”
“Would you like help me to help you to somewhere quieter/safer/calmer?”
“I’m here if you need me.” (At this point, you should leave them alone unless they ask)
“You’re panicking, it won’t last. You’ve got past this before, you’ll get past it again”
But the key to all of this: If they ask you to leave them alone – leave them alone! They are experienced in handling their anxiety; let them get through it however they see fit.
7. They appreciate you sticking by them
Anxiety is rough on everyone involved, which means you too. They understand that, they understand their irrationality; they understand you’ve not done some things you would’ve liked to because they couldn’t. They’re not oblivious to what it takes to support them.
If there’s one thing in common that you’ll find across the board for everyone with anxiety, it’s that they over think – they over think a lot. Part of this over thinking always comes back to the people that have supported them, always. Your support doesn’t go unmissed – no matter how subtle you may think it’s been.
8. They can find it hard to let it go
Part of anxiety is the constant over thinking, but to really understand this we need to understand where the over thinking stems from. When anyone is faced with a traumatic incident in their life, which most people with anxiety have had more than their fair share of, the memory (if not properly dealt with) can end up stored in part of the limbic system of the brain that the mind uses to determine if we are at ‘risk.’ You can find out more about that here.
The memory is stored in a completely different manner and region of the brain in comparison to an everyday memory that gets filed away. This causes the brain to react differently to the memory. The brain is actively seeking to make links between the traumatic memory and the present situation it’s in (partly the cause of the hyper-tense state.)
When the brain is caught in this cycle, letting go of things can be very difficult. When the brain is trained to remain in this cycle through prolonged anxiety, letting go of pretty much anything can be a tough task. People with anxiety cannot always just ‘let it go,’ their brain won’t let them, so please don’t give them a hard time about it.
9. They can find change difficult (even if it’s expected)
Everyone has a comfort zone, anxiety or not. Pushing that comfort zone can be difficult for even the most well-adjusted person, so for people with anxiety it can be even more challenging. This is not to be confused with the sentiment that those with anxiety dislike change or pushing their comfort zones, because they will likely thrive once they’re actually in the process of doing so. They can just find it a lot more difficult to bring themselves to do so.
The one relief people with anxiety tend to get from their anxiety is when they’re allowed to be in their place of comfort with nothing major changing around them. When they’re faced with a big change and uprooting, it can take them a lot longer to settle back down and establish that zone again. Just remember to have a little more patience and understanding for those with anxiety. They’re trying, they really are.
10. They aren’t (always) intentionally ignoring you
Part of managing anxiety is controlling the inner monologue that comes with it. Sometimes this can be a very attention-consuming act. The strangest things can set off obscure thought patterns for those with anxiety. If they suddenly drift out of the conversation, there’s a good chance they’re over thinking something that’s just been said or they’re trying to calm their thoughts down. Both take immense concentration.
They’re not ignoring you; or not intentionally at least. They’re just trying not to have a mental breakdown right there in front of you. You don’t need to ask “are you okay?” and you especially don’t need to quiz them on what you just said. If it’s important, try gently bringing it back up when they seem more attentive.
Their mind can be a war zone at times. They will drop out of conversations unexpectedly and they will feel bad for doing so if they realise it. Reassure them that you understand and ensure they’ve fully digested any important news you may have discussed, especially if it involves them handling some responsibility (maybe make a note of it too!)
11. They aren’t always present
As mentioned in the above point, they’re not always present in a conversation, but it’s not just conversation that can trigger this reaction. Everyday events can cause everyone to get lost in contemplation at some point or another, but for those with anxiety almost everything can serve as a contemplative trigger. They will recede into the depths of their mind quite regularly and you’ll likely notice the vacancy on their face. Contrary to what romantic movies suggest, it’s not always cute to come up and spook them while they’re lost in thought (though sometimes it definitely can be!)
Gently nudge them back to reality regularly. Remind them where they are, what they’re doing (not literally, they’re anxious – they don’t have short term memory loss), and to appreciate it. They’ll greatly appreciate you doing so. You can learn more about mindfulness and how it relates to anxiety here.
12. They don’t always see it as a limitation (nor should you!)
It’s okay to be an anxious person. Sure, it can be a struggle at times, but it’s not always a limitation. Anxiety has molded part of the person in question and ultimately has the potential of bettering them as a person. It can cause them to see the world in a very different way and often this can be for the best. The symptoms can suck, the over thinking can suck, the missing out on certain events can suck, everythingin life has the potential to suck. Just because it can doesn’t mean that those with anxiety choose to see it that way; at least, not all the time.
Remember that part of their personality is the anxiety. Remember that part of them, the compilation of life experiences that they are made of, is the anxiety. It can have some benefits too, and many people with anxiety (when getting ‘better’) choose to see them. You should too.
13. They are awesome!
Just like everybody else on Earth, they are awesome! (That’s why you love them, right?) It’s pretty easy to get focused on the doom and gloom of any issue, especially ones involving mental health, but part of overcoming them is remembering the awesomeness that came before and will come after the issue.
Choose to see the benefits. Choose to see the upside of the situation. Choose to see the awesomeness. If they can, so can you.
Cheat sheet over, done, finished. Keep these in mind and your whole experience may be a lot easier – then again, it may not be either. We’re humans and we’re unique. What works for one may not work for the other, but there is one thing that always works: loving compassion. If you take anything away from this article, just let it be that everyone – especially those struggling – deserves loving compassion, so spread it around.
Got anything you’d like to add to this article? Anything that was missed, misconstrued, or similar? Just drop a comment below.
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Back in simpler times, people rang in the first of May with a particularly charming and elegant tradition: According to a report by NPR, they would take all the flowers that they had gathered at the end of April's showers, arrange them in pretty paper along with some gifts and candies, and then hang them on the doors of friends and neighbors as a way of welcoming them into warmer weather.
Of course, it was also a way of letting a romantic prospect know that you cared for her, as boys would often hang baskets on the doorknobs of the ladies they fancied, knocking on their doors before bolting away. If the lady in question caught the gentleman leaving the basket, she was then tasked with chasing him down in an effort to steal a kiss.
But as charming as this all sounds, the custom could also lead to some awkward scenarios. The Taunton, MA Gazette reported in 1889 that one unfortunate fellow walked a mile and a half to present his May basket to his potential sweetheart, only to find that a basket from another beau was already hanging on her door.
The way that Louisa May Alcott describes the day in her children's book, Jack and Jill, it almost sounds like Christmas:
"Such a twanging of bells and rapping of knockers; such a scampering of feet in the dark; such droll collisions as boys came racing round corners, or girls ran into one another's arms as they crept up and down steps on the sly; such laughing, whistling, flying about of flowers and friendly feeling—it was almost a pity that May-day did not come oftener."
While the May Day basket tradition is still practiced by some old-fashioned individuals, the custom is unfamiliar to the youth of today, despite the fact that it was once a very widespread tradition. But we think that just means we should all make an effort to bring this lovely rite of passage back!
TELL US: What do you think of the May Basket Day tradition?
My relationship with depression is a complicated one. I have, clinically speaking, been grappling with it since I was a teenager; I was diagnosed for the first time at 15, and then again in my early twenties, and then again by my current therapist a little less than a year ago. The question of how long I've knownI suffered from depression, however, is where things get a little hairy — I thought it was laughable at 15, and considered it a misdiagnosis at 20. It's only in the last year that I've really looked the thing in the face, accepted it as part of my life, and started to consciously do the work involved in keeping it under control.
A few weeks back, I wrote an article here on Vox about the 9 things I wish people understood about anxiety. I was comfortable writing that piece, because after a lifetime with generalized anxiety disorder and five years actively wrestling with how best to manage it, I feel like I really understand anxiety: its ins and outs, its ups and downs, the shape and size of the thing. I like to think that some day, I will be able to write that sort of article about depression. I like to think that some day, I will know this piece of myself that well.
Today, however, is not that day. Depression and I are in a much more tenuous place with one another. I am still learning its landscape, and it is still surprising me, tripping me up, and shaking the foundations of things that I once thought I knew. I can't tell you what I wish people understood about depression because I myself don't fully understand it yet, and I can't imagine delineating a list that I myself am still struggling to learn. So, instead, here are nine secrets I've uncovered about depression in experiencing it, which no one told me about, and which I never could have anticipated going in. They may not be secrets to everyone, and I hope they don't stay secrets to anyone for long, because knowing each one of them has helped me through this process.
1) Depression is a liar
If I had the power to put anything on television, it wouldn't be a channel that showed nothing but Boy Meets World reruns. It wouldn't be a ticker that ran along the bottom of the screen during sporting events with the text of the Harry Potter novels in it, so that those of us who hate football would have something to do in sports bars. No, it would be a 15-second spot, airing during every single commercial break on every single channel, that said: "If you have depression, it is lying to you." Because it is. Every moment of every day, in your waking and sleeping hours, depression is telling you lies.
Here is a small sampling of the lies depression has told me over the years: you're lazy. You're worthless. You're never going to amount to anything. If you ever do amount to anything, it will be a complete fluke, and not the result of any work, skill, or talent on your part. Your family hates you. Your friends hate you. Your family and friends don't hate you, but they would, if they knew what you were really like. You're rotten. You're stupid. The very core of who you are is garbage. The people in your life would be better off without you. The world at large would be better off without you. Nothing you do matters. Nothing you say matters. Nothing at all matters, except how terrible you are, which matters more than anything else could ever matter. You suck. You suck. You suck.
Today — to be strictly accurate, at the moment of writing this article — I know that these are lies. I know that they're lies because I've spent a lot of time in therapy learning that they are lies, and that depression is a liar, and that the things your brain spits at you when it's in a depressive period are lies the vast majority of the time. But when I'm depressed, I really, really believe these things are true. In fact, if during a future depression I were to come back to this article and stare at it, I can promise you I would think, "What was I talking about? Those aren't lies — in fact, that's the truth. The idea that those things might not be true — that's the lie."
2) Depression is a bully
It's a sneaky, manipulative bully. Not only that — it's a sneaky, manipulative bully that knows all your weaknesses and tender spots, and has at its disposal an arsenal of every uncomfortable moment, rejection, embarrassment, and emotional wound you've ever sustained in your life. It is, to put it simply, that kid who throws rocks at other kids on the playground.
I was lucky enough to grow up with two emotionally intelligent parents. They taught my brothers and me that bullying, more often than not, comes from a place of unhappiness. And of course depression is, in a number of ways, unhappiness given a name and a medical classification — it makes sense that it would have so much in common with that type of personality. But the thing about bullies is that the common wisdom about them often proves false. "Sticks and stones might break my bones, but words will never hurt me," for example, has been thrown around for generations, but most people I know (myself included) would happily trade a wallop with either object for the erasure of certain words from our personal histories. Likewise, the "just ignore it" theory, regularly presented as the solution to a bullying personality, is virtually useless advice when it comes to fighting depression. Depression does not want to be ignored; it wants to be in charge, and it will take advantage of any opportunity to gain ground. Left unchecked — indeed, ignored — depression can sneak and manipulate its way into the deepest recesses of your brain, becoming that much harder to eradicate.
Which is why:
3) If you think you might be depressed, you have to tell somebody
I know, I know — this isn't a secret. You've heard this one before. So have I: as part of anti-suicide campaigns, or scrawled at the bottom of pamphlets with things like "There Is Hope For You" written on the cover. I have to mention it anyway, though, because of the thought I've always had in response to the "tell somebody" advice: "It doesn't apply to me."
See, one of the complicated things about depression is that it comes in a variety of types and severities. The most visible types are the ones thatcan put people at high suicide risk: severe bipolar disorder — which can jerk people from manic highs to frightening lows — or an intense bout of clinical depression, which might drop someone so deep into what I think of as "the pit" that without seeking immediate help, they could be in very real danger of hurting or even killing themselves. And, of course, if you suspect that you or a loved one are at high risk for self-harm or suicide, you should absolutely tell someone at once. I don't for a second mean to suggest that that isn't the case. Tell your family! Tell a therapist! Don't tell me — I'm just a girl on the internet with some lived experience, and I make no claims of being a professional — but definitely, definitely tell someone.
Having said that, though, for a lot of us, depression isn't — or at least doesn't feel like — something that makes us high-risk for suicide. What I have, for example, is moderate clinical depression, linked in to my generalized anxiety disorder. It's the kind of thing that might slow me down or even stop me in my tracks, but it's never pushed me to a place where I was in danger of seriously harming myself. And that fact — the fact that I'm not thinking about killing myself any time soon — has, more than once, given depression an avenue to keep me from getting help. It has allowed thoughts like, "You're not depressed enough for it to really count," or "This is something you should be able to handle on your own," or, "Nobody wants to be bothered with your problems," or, "When they say you should tell someone if you think you're depressed, they're not talking to you."
I am here to say: if you think you might be depressed, then I am talking to you. Whether mild, moderate, or severe, depression is not something you should be trying to handle on your own. That's not, by the way, because you're not strong enough, or smart enough, or anything enough to deal with it by yourself — it's because depression distorts your thinking, and to sort through something that distorts your thinking, you need help that does not live inside your own brain. You need an ally that your depression does not have the power to affect. You need an objective party, and when you are depressed, thinking about yourself in an objective way becomes incredibly difficult.
4) Suicidal thoughts aren't always part of depression, and even when they are, they're not always active suicidal thoughts
An active suicidal thought might look something like this: "I wish I was dead, so today/tomorrow/next week/next month, I'm going to overdose on enough pills that I don't have to continue being alive." Active suicidal thoughts involve intent, even if it's intent to do something a long time from now. They involve a plan, even if it's a vague plan. They're what people think "suicidal thoughts" mean, and they're not wrong, exactly. It's just not the entire definition.
The other variety of suicidal thoughts looks more like this: "I'm going to go to sleep, and I hope that I don't wake up tomorrow," or, "Man, if I just jerked the steering wheel a little to the left, my car would flip over the highway partition and I could stop living — wouldn't that be nice?" These are what are called passive suicidal thoughts; there's no real intent behind them, and there's not necessarily a concrete plan involved. They are, in essence, fantasies about dying, which crop up because depression has made the idea of dying more appealing than the idea of continuing to be alive. I won't lie here, though I'd honestly prefer to: though I've never been in danger of truly harming myself, I've experienced passive suicidal thoughts alongside depression many times over the years. This type of thought is not as dangerous as the active type, of course, but that doesn't mean that it's not dangerous, because the one can lead to the other. Enough passive suicidal thoughts, built up over time, can become an active one.
Having said that, depression is often reduced — even in the minds of the depressed — to, essentially, the suicide disease, and that's neither accurate nor helpful. Some of us never experience suicidal thoughts at all; some of us have only ever experienced the passive ones I just mentioned; some of us have experienced active suicidal thoughts, but they've been few and far between.
Regardless of the volume of these thoughts, treating a friend or loved one who has told you they are depressed like they are automatically a suicide risk is often a mistake. For one thing, if a depressed person knows you are worried about that, they may be afraid to talk to you, or think that mentioning it would be burdening you, in the event that those thoughts do crop up. And, of course, there is the fact that the person underneath the depression — the person that depression is lying to, bullying, and bossing around — is probably very, very frightened of both the idea and the reality of suicidal thoughts. Having a part of your brain wishing you would die, whether actively or passively, is really scary, and it can be incredibly exhausting to have to comfort others on that subject when you're already struggling to comfort yourself.
5) Depression and sadness aren't (always) the same thing
Don't get me wrong — they can be. Certainly depression can bring with it bouts of sadness and despair. Certainly, when depressed, things that might not bring you down otherwise can sink you into a dark mood. Depression once made me burst into tears of anguish over a Simple Plan song, so trust me, it can find the melancholia in almost anything. But more than sadness, more than despair, the word that really characterizes depression is numbness. Depression takes your feelings and bottles them up, only to release them without warning in unpleasant, incongruous bursts. When you're depressed, you tend to bounce between feeling so much you think it might tear you to pieces, and feeling absolutely nothing at all.
The way that I always think of it can be sourced back to Terry Pratchett, the author of a number of my favorite novels. He brings up this paradox in a few of his books: "Open the box with the crowbar you will find inside." That's what the numbness portion — by which I mean, the vast majority — of depression is like. Your emotions, normal reactions, motivations, positive thoughts; these things are inside of a box, and also inside of that box is a crowbar with which the box can be opened. It's a frustrating situation, although, of course, it doesn't feel frustrating when it's happening, because your ability to feel frustrated is inside the box with everything else. Instead, you mostly feel like it doesn't matter, because you mostly feel like nothing matters.
6) You can be depressed without knowing it
Yes, it's counterintuitive. Yes, it sounds impossible. Still, the fact remains that it's true. The thing about the overwhelming numbness of depression, the constant certainty that nothing at all matters, is that it can blind you to changes in your mood and behavior. Even if you're tracking those things, if nothing matters, then they don't matter either. I've been depressed, more than once, without having any idea that that's what was going on. I've also realized that I was depressed in the middle of periods of depression, rather than at the beginning, and only realized the full extent of things in looking over the weeks and months prior.
The people in your life can be hugely helpful on this front, especially if they know what to look for, because:
7) Depression can be visible
It can also be invisible, of course, but the idea that it's always invisible is just not accurate. Depression often erodes one's abilities to complete basic tasks that wouldn't be a problem in a healthier, less depressed period, and personal care and hygiene are very much included in that list. When I get depressed, my clothing, hair, and physical appearance all tend to suffer, not to mention the cleanliness of my apartment (which I must admit is not what you'd call spotless at the best of times).
If you're someone who knows they are prone to depression, taking the time to sit down with the people in your life and ask them to keep an eye out for this kind of slippage can be really, really helpful in catching a depressive period before you're all the way at the bottom of the hole. Conversely, if there's someone in your life you know is prone to depression, it can be good idea to keep this point in mind. I'm not, of course, advocating screaming, "YOU'RE DEPRESSED!" in someone's face if you notice that they're not looking fantastic one day. But in the event that you see slippage for a few weeks at a time, it may be worthwhile to (gently, kindly) ask them if they are feeling all right, and if there is anything you can do to help. It can be really, really difficult for a depressed person to reach out and ask for help — remember, depression is a liar and a bully, and often insists that to ask for assistance is selfish and wrong. Your taking that first step can mean the world to someone who is struggling.
8) Depression responds to routine and structure
No, really. It does. When you're depressed, it doesn't feel like it's going to. When you're depressed, the idea of maintaining any routine, following any structure or, indeed, getting out of bed often feels borderline insane. But the fact remains that this is true. Conversely, long periods without routine and structure can be depression's breeding ground; this is why unemployment and depression are common bedfellows.
I'm not, by nature, someone who is much for either structure or routine; in fact, if I'd been born neurotypical, my life might well be a nomadic one where I followed my whims, or the remaining members of the Grateful Dead, or both. As it is, I've figured out a variety of little routines and structures that I can apply to my days, weeks, and months, and which help immensely in keeping my head above the depression waters. I'm not going to detail those routines here, because depression management is a very personal thing, and works a little differently for each person. But it is manageable.
9) Depression is not the end of the world
It'll do its best to trick you into believing it is, but that's just another one of its lies. The truth is, depression is a pain, both figuratively and literally; it can be dangerous and frightening; it can slow down or even stall out your life for a while; it can be hard to deal with, overwhelming, and upsetting. But it's not the end of the world. It's just something that requires some careful thought, awareness, and management — in other words, it's something that requires some work. The trick, at least in my experience, is knowing that it's doable work, work that you are more than capable of handling, no matter what your depression tries to tell you. And, like all work, it gets easier the longer you do it. The incomparable Allie Brosh wrote a two-part post on depression a few years ago, which was then and remains to this day the best explanation I've ever seen on this topic; it's sharply funny as well as being searingly honest, and I highly recommend reading it. It truly illustrates the whole of the thing — the way there is struggle to this, but hope too, and levity even where you're not expecting to find it.
As for me: today, right now, depression is still hard work, but it's not the backbreaking effort it was a few years ago, or even the uphill climb it was a few months back. Some day, I truly believe that managing it will be no more difficult than, say, feeding myself, or keeping my unruly hair in check — daily tasks that, though not effortless, I mastered years ago, and even take some pleasure in doing these days. Until then, I will continue to strive and struggle, succeeding in some moments and failing in others, and taking heart in the fact that I am far from alone. That's no secret, but it bears repeating: no matter where you are in the process of figuring out depression, you are not alone.
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